Every time I sit down to write I can’t help but think how trite it will sound. I’m not even sure why, it’s as if I have no place to express myself anymore. And I don’t mean a place as in physically, I mean a place as in - I have no right. I don’t know why this thought occurs to me because there wasn’t one instance that persuaded me in that direction. Maybe it’s the metaphorical writer’s block. This one is a total bitch though. What do you mean I don’t have a place to express myself? Something subconscious inside of me is at least fighting it.
I lost my job the other week. HOLY SHIT. I’ve been in the same field now for almost 8 years. At first it was liberating, being let go; it was like the world’s expansiveness showed itself and it was excitingly vast. The place in which I was before, feeling trapped and stuck, was now replaced by feeling free. I felt like that for a week - but today, today was different.
I don’t know if it’s the lack of structure or the uncertainty of the future but I know that I’m 27 and pretty much lost. Is that a bad thing? One minute I’m feeling terrified and the next minute I’m feeling like I can start all this shit over again. I can reinvent myself.
I have a choice now, to be terrified or to start anew. I decided to enroll back into school. I applied for the Social Work program at Wayne State University in Detroit. It felt good hitting the submit button and feeling like I was doing something with my time. But then comes the all too familiar feeling of uncertainty. Why am I doing this? Is this the right thing to do? Am I just doing this because I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE what else to do?
Does it matter? I have no idea.